This is a toughy… is that a word? Well, either way, I’m using it. Let’s see where should I start. I should probably tell you that I found out that I was prego in October of last year. Totally unexpected. I had not intended on having any other children. I was finished with that long ago…or so I thought.
I came to accept that I was expecting another child and had begun to compose a list of things I would need. That list included EVERYTHING! I had nothing “baby” in my life. I was totally overwhelmed with the list. You know that feeling, too much to-do and not enough time to do it? That was certainly the feeling I had going on.
Early on I could tell that this pregnancy was not going to be as my others had been. I was already overweight. I was out of shape (and still am!) I have high blood pressure. I ended up with gestational diabetes. I was having difficulty walking and maintaining my daily schedule. Work was becoming difficult. This is when I found out that my sciatic nerve apparently runs under the uterus and there was absolutely NOTHING that I could do some days. I would have to “rest” and ” rest often”. I tried everything possible to get things done. I should tell you that I have a hard time taking suggestions and “resting”…. but I tried my best.
Weekly baby doctor appointments, primary care appointments, and then physical therapy appointments. Please note: I have never had to endure physical therapy. I pray that I never have to go through that again.
Monday April 27, 2015 was a typical day. Baby doctor appointment bright and early. Store. Clean. Organizing baby stuff (just had baby shower two weeks prior). Dinner. meeting with friends. and then called it a day. I remember that evening I didn’t feel well. Nothing new. I thought that it was just prego stuff. Later that night I thought…. I haven’t felt Keagan move since today’s appointment. Since the non-stress test. Thoughts began to flood my mind: “is everything okay?”, “should I call the doctor?”, “am i overreacting?” ,” I was more active today and they say that baby movements will be effected if mom is more active”, “maybe I’ll just go to sleep, I’m driving myself nuts”, “everything is fine”. I went to sleep. I tossed and turned. I was up and down and unsettled for the majority of the night. But there again, that was normal.
The next morning I woke very early, I was very used to feeling his movements first thing in the morning. But nothing. I spoke with my fiancé and we devised a plan. As soon as the doctor office opened I was on the phone calling in my concern.
The drive in to the office felt like it was never ending. I was rushed back and placed on the baby heart monitor. I was very aware that the nurse seemed disturbed that she could not find a heartbeat. Next, I was taken back for an ultrasound. Within minutes my fears were confirmed. My world was spinning. My mind was reckless. I was fading in and out. Is this real? Can’t there be a mistake? Denial ran through to my core.
The next few days are still somewhat foggy… my body was not prepared for this pain, as much as my mind wasn’t. The days and weeks to come were not what I had expected. Time seemed to stand still. The pain seemed to linger and take hold. It consumed my mind. At times even today, it can still take over. Forcing me into a state of lethargy. Forcing me to withdraw into the background of pain and suffering. Suffering often in silence. This is why I share my story. I have been through things. You have been through things. By sharing our story with one another we heal from the pains of our past. One person helping another. Powerful, powerful stuff.
Keagan weighed 5 lbs 1 oz. 19 inches long. Red hair like his daddy. Lips like mine. He was so sweet and perfect. There were no cries. The room was still. As if time had stopped long enough for us to say goodbye to our son. God knew we needed that time.
He was born sleeping they said. There is a reason for everything they said. How do you rationalize that though? how do you come to terms with the fact that your son with never take his first steps, say his first words, call your name, ring your phone, drive a car, graduate college, have a family? I could go on and on. But the one thing that I do know to be true according to my beliefs…. he dances in heavenly places. He sings an angelic tune. He is beyond perfection. He is taken care of by the Most High. Although my heart broke that day, he gained his heavenly wings. But he will always be my sleeping angel.