Baby Keagan- My sleeping angel

This is a toughy… is that a word? Well, either way, I’m using it. Let’s see where should I start. I should probably tell you that I found out that I was prego in October of last year. Totally unexpected. I had not intended on having any other children. I was finished with that long ago…or so I thought.

I came to accept that I was expecting another child and had begun to compose a list of things I would need. That list included EVERYTHING! I had nothing “baby” in my life. I was totally overwhelmed with the list. You know that feeling, too much to-do and not enough time to do it? That was certainly the feeling I had going on.

Early on I could tell that this pregnancy was not going to be as my others had been. I was already overweight. I was out of shape (and still am!) I have high blood pressure. I ended up with gestational diabetes. I was having difficulty walking and maintaining my daily schedule. Work was becoming difficult. This is when I found out that my sciatic nerve apparently runs under the uterus and there was absolutely NOTHING that I could do some days. I would have to “rest” and ” rest often”. I tried everything possible to get things done. I should tell you that I have a hard time taking suggestions and “resting”…. but I tried my best.

Weekly baby doctor appointments, primary care appointments, and then physical therapy appointments. Please note: I have never had to endure physical therapy. I pray that I never have to go through that again.

Monday April 27, 2015 was a typical day. Baby doctor appointment bright and early. Store. Clean. Organizing baby stuff (just had baby shower two weeks prior). Dinner. meeting with friends. and then called it a day. I remember that evening I didn’t feel well. Nothing new. I thought that it was just prego stuff. Later that night I thought…. I haven’t felt Keagan move since today’s appointment. Since the non-stress test. Thoughts began to flood my mind: “is everything okay?”, “should I call the doctor?”, “am i overreacting?” ,” I was more active today and they say that baby movements will be effected if mom is more active”, “maybe I’ll just go to sleep, I’m driving myself nuts”, “everything is fine”. I went to sleep. I tossed and turned. I was up and down and unsettled for the majority of the night. But there again, that was normal.

The next morning I woke very early, I was very used to feeling his movements first thing in the morning. But nothing. I spoke with my fiancé and we devised a plan. As soon as the doctor office opened I was on the phone calling in my concern.

The drive in to the office felt like it was never ending. I was rushed back and placed on the baby heart monitor. I was very aware that the nurse seemed disturbed that she could not find a heartbeat. Next, I was taken back for an ultrasound. Within minutes my fears were confirmed. My world was spinning. My mind was reckless. I was fading in and out. Is this real? Can’t there be a mistake? Denial ran through to my core.

The next few days are still somewhat foggy… my body was not prepared for this pain, as much as my mind wasn’t. The days and weeks to come were not what I had expected. Time seemed to stand still. The pain seemed to linger and take hold. It consumed my mind. At times even today, it can still take over. Forcing me into a state of lethargy. Forcing me to withdraw into the background of pain and suffering. Suffering often in silence.  This is why I share my story. I have been through things. You have been through things. By sharing our story with one another we heal from the pains of our past. One person helping another. Powerful, powerful stuff.

Keagan weighed 5 lbs 1 oz. 19 inches long. Red hair like his daddy. Lips like mine. He was so sweet and perfect. There were no cries. The room was still. As if time had stopped long enough for us to say goodbye to our son. God knew we needed that time.

He was born sleeping they said. There is a reason for everything they said. How do  you rationalize that though? how do you come to terms with the fact that your son with never take his first steps, say his first words, call your name, ring your phone, drive a car, graduate college, have a family? I could go on  and on. But the one thing that I do know to be true according to my beliefs…. he dances in heavenly places. He sings an angelic tune. He is beyond perfection. He is taken care of by the Most High. Although my heart broke that day, he gained his heavenly wings. But he will always be my sleeping angel.

On a new footing

on a new footing

Alright let me get real with you for a minute. My whole world has seriously been shaken recently. It has been discovered that I have a medical condition that is desperate need of attention. This condition also requires some major nutritional/ fitness changes… immediately. So consider this… I have never been a health nut. I have never been in the business a counting calories or eating right. I have never really taken an active step in taking care of myself. Sounds awful right? Somehow I have just managed to skim through life with very minimal effort. And as you know when you get older and refuse to look at the fact that you are not doing some of the things suggested… there will be consequences. So here I sit with a planner in front of me and pen. I am looking up self care. I am looking up ways to de-stress my life. I am looking up recipes for healthier eating and I am making plans to incorporate exercise into my routine. I recently heard someone say the reason the I despise these changes is because I have not made an effort to incorporate them into my daily routine long enough to reap the benefits. Of course I am an instant gratification kinda girl. I am the kind that wants something for nothing. Hard work in these areas is not for me, right? Well when I really sit back and consider the fact that by not taking care of my mind, body and spirit I am just getting myself closer to an early grave. I am becoming mentally, emotionally , spiritually and even physically dead. Not very becoming of me is it?? So change has to be implemented like yesterday! But how to do that?? Well I am a pinterest junkie and therefore I consult Pinterest as often as possible! I came across this idea of bullet journaling. Have you seen this? Anyways, one of the things about a bullet journal is that I can do things how I want. There are no set rules. I can make it my own. My favorite page I have seen examples of is the habit tracker. How long does it take to form a habit? Some say 14 days, some say 21 and others say 30. Who knows right? Either way I am going to start tracking some of my habits. Some of the habits that I will be tracking are: exercise, journaling, not eating junk food, limiting my cups of coffee, wake up at the same time, go to bed at the same time, watching my spending habits, how much water I am drinking, eating habits, etc. I will let you know how this goes and would love some feedback from those you out there who have tried habit changing. Let me know what worked, and what didn’t. I’ll keep you posted on my progess! Until next time….

That tiny pill

So recently I decided that I was going to make some changes in order to lose weight, be healthier and feel good about my appearance. I can tell you now that I went about it ALL wrong. See what I was really looking for was a quick fix. I wanted to do minimal work and achieve major results. As I have heard many, many times in the past that “if it sounds too good to be true then it probably is”. Have you heard that too? Well, let me tell you what I did….

I hopped online to see if good ol’ Google had an answer for me. I found the numbers to a couple different weight loss clinics. I made my calls, gathered some info, and made my little plans. I continually denied the negatives that came along with seeing a weight loss specialist. I ignored all such warnings and concerns. I was in the delusion that  I would get skinny quick and life would hit new heights never reached before.

I met with the weight loss doctor (AKA Fat Doctor) to confirmed that I am more than overweight. He suggested exactly what I was hoping that he would suggest. A tiny little miracle pill. I was having visions of running in that park (not sure what park that was LOL) and that is not to mention that I am not at all a runner! I had visions that I would be strutting my stuff in a tiny bikini… UH HELLO I haven’t EVER wore a bikini in public! So why would I start now? At the age of 36? Doesn’t make any sense does it? Anyway, I had all these big hopes and dreams. I thought if I followed the instructions and the suggested outline of diet changes all would be well. And let me tell you that I am not so disciplined. I attempted to stay away from sweets (which I often crave) and I started trying to track my caloric intake by downloading an app tracker. I learned very quickly that what I have thought was a portion size is very far off from the norm. As a matter of fact, I have been WAY off. I struggle with binge eating. And then beating myself up for being a weakling. I hide food and eat it. I keep it secret. I feel ashamed and disgusted. And this cycle is repeated over and over again. So why in the world did I think that a tiny little pill was going to be a miracle cure?  Crazy right?  I know I was out of my mind!

Alright, so I take this little pill and I immediately see an increase in energy. I would sweat profusely and drink lots of water. I would track the food I consumed. I would try to “workout” with little knowledge of what that looks like. I thought I could totally do it all on my own. Just me and my daily diet pill. Yeah I dropped a few pounds, but you know what happened next?? I started feeling yucky. Mentally I was a mess. So then I remember what the Fat Doctor had said about the possibility of psychological changes. Ahhhh yes…. I’m then reminded of my chemical imbalance. I’m not sure if I can put into words what I was experiencing physically, mentally or emotionally. There were a few days there that seems like a blur. Thoughts and recollections were very foggy. It was if a great haze landed upon me. I was having problems speaking, thinking, listening, and completing daily tasks. This tiny pill that I had thought was so harmless appeared to be the culprit. That tiny pill was controlling me. I felt like a puppet on a string. I felt lost and confused.  I felt blank. I was in serious need of guidance. I could not think on my own. I could not make decisions. I was fearful… “what have I done? how did this happen?” I realized a had dug another of many holes I had dug in my life. The question was, “What now?” I had to turn to others. I had to speak with someone about what was going on in my head. I had to lay it all out on the table and say “hey this is what is going on with me”. I was welled up in fear. Wondering what are others going to think, are they going to think that I am crazy? Can they relate to anything I’m saying. And mostly, how much longer was I going to put myself through this mental torture?

I let a few days pass without taking that tiny pill and I noticed that I was coming out of the fog. Slowly but surely. I contacted my primary care provider and took all the suggestions that she gave me, made the necessary changes, and watched my life get back on track. She had explained to me that what I had experienced was a severe drug interaction. That little pill mixed with my dose of medications put me at serious risk.

I tucked the pills away in my drawer and every time I get in that drawer I think about that experience. I think about the fact that I did not take heed to anything that was said to me to deter me from the fantasy I was pursuing. I think about that fact that it could have been much worse. It could have taken me to some places that I don’t want to go. Some people go out there mentally and they just never return. That very well could have been me 😦

 

that tiny pill

my story- part 4

I was thinking of the darkest time of my life. I was fully into my addiction. Drugs and alcohol had me in it’s grips. I had nothing to live for (or so I thought). I was miserable. I had nothing consistant. My family and “friends” were pushing me away. I felt as though life had dealt me a bad hand.

I started getting legal consequences for my actions. I started bouncing from one jail cell to another. At first the jail scene was just a game. It soon became very real. But I had already accepted that this is what my life would be. That I would never experience the good things in life. I would never have the joys that others have. I would never amount to much. And I would die a nobody. No legacy left behind.

pexels-photo-24165

I had children and a family that I was putting through hell as I was carelessly bouncing through this life. I hated seeing them through the glass. I hated when the steel doors would slam shut. I hated the feelings I felt as I went in again feeling as though I was a failure. I had let them all down again. Where had been my high resolve? Everytime I stepped foot out those doors I vowed to never come back. To never take us down this road again….. but then the day would come when I would pick up again. Throw any amount of hope down the waste pipe. I would sit in the jail cell wondering if there would ever be a change for me. if I would ever do right with my life.

I had no idea which direction to turn. I have stepped on the toes of all who have loved me and tried to help. I have hurt countless people. And every time I got out, I repeated those same mistakes. one would learn after so many times wouldn’t she? Would I ever learn my lesson? I had no answer.

my story- part 3

Here I was, completed high school. Onto college for me. Besides my family had all these hope, dreams, and aspirations for me right? Were there not expectations placed on me? I felt as though it was the weight of the world sitting on my shoulders. I didn’t have any idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn’t have the necessary tools to cope with life on life’s terms. I started college anyway and as with all things in my life… it started of well. Then I hit the downward turnpike. I was spinning out of control. Disconnected from the world. Feeling alone and sorry for myself. Drinking and drugging sounded like it was my fix all. It numbed out all of those negative, invasive emotions that I had wanted to run from for so many years. I had found my solution (or so I thought).

my story part 3

It didn’t take long for me to realize that drink/drugs+stress+college courses= failure. I soon dropped my classed after only a semester and something in and thought that I was on to pursue bigger better things in life. I had no money, no dreams, no ambition, no motivation, and not a care in the world for where in the world all of that would lead me. I had a group of friends who were in the same boat as I. Some were high school drop outs, some were college failures, and some in between.

Let me clarify something here…. I am NOT at all blaming others for my doings today. I made the choices I made that led me down the path I took. I did that. I took me there. I am simply trying to give you a mental picture as to what my life was looking like at this point in time. Glum. distant. broken. lost.

Alright so here I was living daily to drink/drug. Everything that I could get my hands on that could take me out of me. That would place me into that distant fantasy world and make all of my cares fade away. All of my so-called responsibilities were out the window. I didn’t even intend on stopping when I started to experience consequences for my actions. “I got this” was my motto and I had all intention of proving o the world that I could beat this thing. I would come out fighting. Little did I know that one day I would literally be fighting to stay alive. That the beast within me was trying it’s damnedest to kill me at all costs.

I still remember the days when I no longer had any desire to live. I would jump from job to job, house to house, man to man. trying so hard to fill that void. Nothing seemed to fit. Nothing seemed to satisfy. I was terribly discontent. I was certain that I was destined to die a terrible death at the hands of my addiction. I had lost any hope for anything better for my life. I was in and out of institutions. wrestling with my sanity. fearful of everything in sight. My life was an utter disaster and instead of doing anything pro-active, I sat in the middle of my mess. Feeling sorry for myself. This I knew was no way to live.

My Story- Part 2

Ohhh where were we?? AH the very beginning of that really difficult dark time in my life…. let’s see, how should I say it? Well, during my teenage years I always felt this evil lurking. This darkness. I always sensed it was there. Very present. I could never seem to shake this feeling. These thoughts. These fears that I had at this point in my life.

I had always attended church from a very young age and still this darkness was there. Prowling. In my sophomore year of high school I remember very vividly drinking my first drink. A little wine cooler that my best friend’s parents had in the fridge. Little did Iknow that this would be the beginning of a nightmare.

my story part 2

I drank that wine cooler and I remember the feeling that I gave. I remember wanting another and then another. Until they were all gone. The craving that day was intense. Some of you might be able to relate and others may not… but this is my story.

Anyhow, in high school I kept good grades for the most part. I had fear that if my grades dropped my mother would let me have it. But it all came very easy to me. little or no studying was involved.

By my senior year I had turned into the little rebel child. I knew that I was turning 18… which meant I was GROWN of course 😉 I thought that I had all the answers and no one could convince me otherwise. I was hot tempered. Fighting. Arguing. Daring someone to just try me. just one time. that is all I wanted. I was drinking at every opportunity and stealing from local stores. Nothing major.. little stuff. A lipstick here. A nail polish there. Things that I justified. I NEEDED them and who cares if I didn’t pay?!

By the end of my senior year I had lost my honors and I was hanging with the a D average. Not normal for me. Not normal at all. I had this I don’t care attitude that was very obvious. I no longer had goals and dreams.

 

 

My Story- Part 1

my story part 1Alright I have decided to tell you a little about me and where I come from. I am from a small town south of Cincinnati, Ohio (on the Kentucky side of the river). I am the oldest of three and let me tell you that growing as the oldest wasn’t always so awesome. Yeah I got to drive first, graduate first, college first, move out first… I had a lot of first. But I didn’t have someone to go ahead of me and show me the ropes. I didn’t have the opportunity to witness another’s mistakes so that I could do differently than they did. I didn’t have someone ahead of me saying “if I could do it, you could do it”. So enough on that.

I went through school as the quiet nerdy kid with glasses too big and braces you could see a mile away. I didn’t say very much to many people. I remember that I felt lonely…often. My childhood was marked with a lot of anxious moments. I did not realize at that time that it was fear. Fear of the world. Fear of people. Fear that you were going to see that I was different than you. Fear that you would reject me. Fear that the fear would never go away.

I remember this one time in high school I got my purse strap hung and proceeded to fall down the stairs- books and all. Oh what a moment! I couldn’t run because me wrist was tangled in that silly purse strap! So… there I hung in humiliation on the main stairway as people stared in disbelief. I remember the fingers that pointed at me. I am so glad that I could not hear their words.

This happened at right about the same point that I began getting bullied on the bus. A group of guys would yell obscenities at me as I got on or off the bus. To this day I am uncertain of what sparked their hostility toward me. But this made for a terrible trip to and from school.

I remember that at this particular point of my life I wanted so desperately to numb out these fears and frustrations that life was dealing me. I thought that I just had some kind of bad luck or something. That everyone else had gotten the handbook on life and I missed it. I was always left in the dark…. or so it seemed.